I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who died my cat blue again?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
