You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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