Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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