Banned from zoo.
Again?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
