oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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