i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
