Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the room spins SO much faster in panama
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
