If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
sex in a hospital.. check
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
