I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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