I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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