True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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