im six kinds of drunk right now
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
