I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
