I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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