So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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