I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone threw a dead crab at me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I love having hate sex.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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