dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
