he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize