Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
