You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
