Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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