woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Randomize
