the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
