My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
