How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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