Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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