I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
