Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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