I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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