While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
