chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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