Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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