Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
