She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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