I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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