my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
