So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
