Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
