I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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