You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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