You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.