I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just found a bag of teeth...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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