I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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