I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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