She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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