he puts the penis in happiness.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
