Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
