three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
