If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
