I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
