The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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