By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
