I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
