I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
