Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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