phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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