I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
