i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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