GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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