It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
