some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
there is puke in my bra ... again
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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